I have always been an extremely self-critical and perfectionist person. My mother was also extremely perfectionist and I grew up with an everlasting fear that I will disappoint someone and that I wasn’t good enough. And even if my family and personality loaded the gun, there was a particular moment, a particular accumulation of stress and bad experiences that pulled the trigger.
Flashback to the summer of 2011 and I was in a strange relationship with a boy that loved to drink. Basically, he was also living with me in my apartment that I shared with my friend from high school, and the relationship took a turn for the worse. I remember that I got the impression that my boyfriend preferred to go out and hang out with his friends over being with me. I felt that he didn’t listen to me, he didn’t perceive me. He was critical and tried changing every aspect of me. This was the beginning of the end for me; a downward spiral into depression, roommate conflicts, weight fluctuations, and loneliness.
I remember my mother started to understand that there is something wrong and began keeping an eye on me. It was sometimes very emotive; I was mad at her and she was crying, but she just didn’t let me “go”. From there on out, more and more people stood by my side as I battled my ED, but it wasn’t until I moved to Paris and discovered the art of dance that I realized I wanted and needed to relinquish my disorder.
Dance made me happy. It gave me the strength to overcome all those problems I had mentioned before. I wanted to dance more and more and I knew that to do so, I have to gain weight. The dance taught me to enjoy life and to listen to my body. To take a rest when the body needs it, to eat when it is hungry. And also, it helped me to feel happy again; strong again. It allowed me to express my feelings that I was so long hiding from. So basically, the inner need to dance and the beautiful feeling of reconnection with my body that dancing offered me, ended up being the true key to my healing.
I am a 26 years old Czech girl who obtained a master’s degree from Sorbonne University in Paris. I am currently living in NYC studying dance.