Most people would look at me and say I am the girl who’s always happy and positive about life, but the truth is there is a constant battle in my head. And I think there always will be, but it will be my choice if I want to keep fighting or fall back down.
As a kid, I was always chubby and loved food. You know? Kids don’t think about their weight, body image, or what ‘feeling fat’ means. And it wasn’t until two years ago, when I was still best friends with my cousin, that I began to take notice of my body. My cousin and I did everything together and I loved her like she was my own sister.
But soon my cousin started struggling with school and, in hindsight, I wasn’t there for her like I could have been. She began to diet and slowly the months passed and she was getting smaller and smaller. As she lost the weight, everyone began to give her attention, and even I would say she was perfect. During this time we began to drift apart and I was left with feelings of anger and jealousy for my beautiful, perfect cousin.
So I began to diet. I would run every night and found websites about Ana & Mia. How could I lose the weight I hopelessly desired? I started to throw food away and force fingers down my mouth; I was a mess and I didn’t even know it. But one night I just stopped with everything, I wanted to recover. Having to go through this my entire life is a death sentence. I didn’t want to do this anymore.
I am still on my road to recovery. I still have to talk to someone about this, and I am having trouble opening up, but if this could help me fight this war in my head then I’ll do this for me. To the people who are struggling like me, know that it’s okay to fall down but it’s ultimately your decision to keep getting back up. “I will feed myself today and fight this illness, not fight myself and feed this illness” I still have urges but I find ways to stop myself from falling back. I have people and things that make me strong and help me search for the light when I seem to give up all hope. You can beat this if you truly want to. No one will do it for you. It is your decision. Yell back at those voices in your head and fight to do what your heart says.
I am 15 years old and I recently made the decision that I wanted to recover.