I've been out of Renfrew for almost a year (the jury is still out on whether or not I should have left) and I am really struggling with ED. I don't even want to recover because I am constantly bombarded with intrusive thoughts about how repulsive my body is. I have restricting, purging and exercising and although I know I shouldn't do it, I really want to. Otherwise, I am happier than I have been in years, and I feel like this is one of the reasons why.
Recovery is a day-by-day process--some days are easier, and some days are harder. Wanting recovery can be difficult when you've been living with an ED for so long. Change is scary, but it seems like you know that you're way happier than you were when you were with your ED! Try talking back to those unhealthy thoughts and replacing them with positivity and self-love. It really helped me to write down my unhealthy/irrational thoughts about myself, and then write a rational, POSITIVE response next to them. If you have a therapist, try talking to them about this as well!