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My daughter did inpatient, outpatient and is now home. She sees a therapist, nutritionist and Psychiatrist . We have had a pretty good summer, we are in charge of her food for the most part. She did go to camp for a week and also on a work trip for church and did fine both weeks. Now school has started and in four days, she has thrown food away at lunch, and is back to saying she is "fat" etc. I am trying to tell myself that this is normal, and maybe because it all seemed to be going so well, i am just freaking out more than I should be. The nutritionist reminded me that this is a journey and takes a long time, but I just feel like I am ready to scream , cry or throw myself in front of a bus, or maybe all three at once. It is so hard not to get sucked into an argument with her when she says everyone is lying, and they are just working for the parents and don't really care about her at all..She is a smart child, but this is so strong, it is like it melts her brain and makes her completely irrational.
I need words of advice..it doesn't help that I live in the wasteland of care and don't know anyone else who is going through all of this..
thanks for listening
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Sorry to hear about your struggles. It helped me to remember that my D's ED is separate from her and it is ED that makes her irrational. It was an exercise in futility to get involved in an argument. I think you are right to be concerned. It might be that now she is back at school where there is less parental oversight, her ED has a chance to stage a comeback. Yes, it's true that recovery takes a long time but we have to remain vigilant (which you obviously are) and launch a counterattack if necessary. I find a lot of support and comfort on the forum for parents called Around The Dinner Table at http://www.feast-ed.org/
I understand your feelings of despair - this illness wears us down and we just want it to be gone forever. Take good care of yourself and please keep us posted.
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well, everything went really downhill, they weighed the kids in PE class on Monday, and told them how much they weighed, she came home, had not eaten anything, refused all food, drink and her meds. talked to therapist got her up there Tuesday morning, and then into the dietitian in the afternoon. New food plan, despite her being out of range at school (stupid non calibrated scales) and being in range at the hospital. So we are back to eating and doing what she needs to do,but honestly, many more of these episodes and I will be on the floor. I just want her to be well and happy and able to do all the things she wants to do...
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Glittermom, I hope everything gets better for you and your daughter. I have an eating disorder, and I noticed that school was a huge stressor for me. In other words, I was such a perfectionist that I just wouldn't have time to eat or have fun. It was all work work work. What helped me was talking to a school counselor. They usually are really good at giving some help and referrals. Also, have her doctors write a note saying that she can't get weighed in gym class. This would get me upset too when they weighed me. Only have the experts weigh her. This will get better. Best of luck.
"I once had a grip on everything. It feels better to let go."
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thanks for the post, I have spoken to the gym teacher so hopefully that will not come up again, She does have a good therapist as well. I just am not sure that it is getting through to her yet, some days she seems to really enjoy eating others not so much, I am thinking that perhaps she just doesn't want to admit that she is getting her hunger cues back.
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O my goodness. I can't believe they would do that in a PE class. As a recovered (recovering?) anorexic I couldn't handle that, and I've been in recovery for going on 5 years. Getting hunger cues back is definitely scary, I can understand that. She's lucky to have someone supportive in her life, it's something I really missed when getting better. Ask her how you can best support her. If she's a teen, it's going to be tough because a) shes a teen and b) shes anorexic. The two added together can make a mess. Make sure to ask her about life outside of her ED. She may not have much to say if she's getting sicker as there isn't much life outside of ED but it's always good to let her know you care about more than her ED as she may (consiously or unconsiously) think you won't care about her as much if she doesn't have her ED. Good luck. It's a tough road but can turn out well with hard work.
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We don't talk about the ED much really, if she says something we do, but I don't bring it up out of the blue. She is eating what she is supposed to, and I keep reading that that is the best thing. Especially since she was not very far into it when we figured it out. We are lucky that she did not have bone loss, etc. If we can help her (with her therapist of course) work on her stress levels and manage her depression hopefully we have a chance for recovery. It is just so hard when she says "oh I am so ______" ans such, when she isn't..and never has been. At the beginning, I would find myself getting sucked into conversations with the ED, now, I don't. I find that if there is a comment about a meal, or a food item, just say, well, it is part of this meal, so you need to eat it, and she eventually does. We will do whatever we have to, we want her to be able to follow her dreams, go to college and be happy!!
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Having good and bad days is a part of recovery. However, school can be one of the most challenging places. There is a need to fit in and do as others are doing, but it is also the time she is away from supervision and can easily sneak in some unhealthy habits! Maybe having a plan in place for the school day might help. A friend who sees her often during the day to alert you or the school counselor if things have gone awry. Also, if the weighing things becomes an issue (it shouldn't), you can request a 504 and have the "no weighing" thing be an accommodation for her.
It does not matter how deep you fall, but how high you bounce back.
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Glittermom back again, thought things were going pretty well and then two weeks ago daughter started purging after meals. No binging, but only eating her meal plan and then purging. She doesn't think it is a big deal, doesn't want to go to the therapist (she has stopped seeing hers because of maternity leave and she refused to go to anyone else) doesn't want to go to treatment again. She continues to see her psychiatrist and will be having a weigh in with dietitian tomorrow. I am so frustrated, and sad and mad all at the same time, I feel sad for my child, mad at the disease and frustrated because I am feeling like a failure because I am having such a hard time steeling myself up for the possibility of being out of town again, with her in treatment, not to mention getting her to go in the first place. Husband travels much of the time, and no can't say, well he could take time off..he stayed home as much as he could all last summer after she came home from treatment and we need the insurance to pay for what lies ahead. (and yes, I am SO grateful to have the insurance) But I get mad at him for being away, and for lots of the time just not "getting" what my life is like, I eat lunch with her every day, in the car at school, and now I am the bathroom police whenever she is at home and if she is away she just goes and purges. Doesn't matter if it is an hour or five hours after she has eaten. School called on Friday, someone heard her in the bathroom and turned her in. She doesn't care. She doesn't hide it, she tells me, and sometimes I just want to go outside and scream. thanks for letting me rant.
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I hear you and understand your frustration because I've been there. It sounds like you are doing everything right - being firm, persistent, and loving. She doesn't think this turn of events is a big deal because her brain will not allow her to. It sounds as if she needs a therapist though she will benefit most from that when she is close to or reaches weight restoration. Perhaps you would be interested in a 5-day family intensive program that we attended at UCSD. Please email me if you'd like more info - it was a turning point for our D and for our family (husband came around after attending which was a big help). Hang in there - you are doing what many parents, sadly, are called to do. Remember too that most people recover from this illness, and your D can too.
"Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul
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TOday she had 45 minutes with the dietician, she has lost 4 flowers since her last weigh in three weeks ago..she said fine I have to go treatment, then when we got home fell apart and said we just wanted to abandon her again like before. She is adopted and I truly think that was the hardest part for her, and she won't believe that it was the hardest thing we have ever done to leave the parking lot of the hospital the day we brought her. I still almost fall apart when I think about it. She now wants to try a week (dietician said would she try it) of eating what she is supposed to eat and not purging, so we will go back on monday and see what has happened. In the meantime I have talked to the treatment facility and gotten the ball rolling to get the labs and EKG that we need done. She did eat dinner and then sat there , wrapped in an blanket with tears rolling down her face. I wish there was a way for her to understand how much we love her and how much this breaks our hearts, and I tell her that no matter what horrible things she says to me or her dad , we still love her every second of every day. After the fact that it is dangerous, I think one of the hardest things about this are the things that ED makes them say..horrible, hurtful things..and you have to work so hard some days to see your child behind those things..and know that maybe tomorrow or the next day when you say "I love you" she might say "love you more" like she used to....
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That's not good news but you are all on to it. You are doing a great job of reassuring her that you love her no matter what. When she says those horrible things, it might help to visualize an ugly beast as having hijacked her brain. Trust that things will get better because, with regular nutrition, they will. You might want to consider the treatment we used at home if your D is medically stable and it's a matter of supervised meals and preventing her from purging, called Maudsley (also known as Family Based Treatment). It was an alternative to sending our D away to a treatment center, which worked well for us. Of course there are many treatment options though keep in mind that your D is not in a good place to help with decisions around this.
Remember to breathe and take care of yourself.
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Hi glittermom- First of all, you're an incredible mother for loving and supporting your daughter the way that you have been. After reading the above posts, I wanted to share with you a little bit about my recovery from an ED and how my mother has been my back bone; literally my everything in the past three-four years while I've been in recovery. It's been longer than four years actually- make that five because my battle with bulimia started back in college during my senior year. The previous year had been tough and I had gained the dreaded "freshmen 15". At the time, loosing weight seemed like the right answer and boy did, I loose weight. It started slowly, but then it got worse..and by the time, I came home for spring break, I had lost 10-15 flowers. People thought, I looked amazing, and that made me feel amazing. Little did I know that eventually, I would become submerged in this dead-lock relationship with food, image and perfection. It was 2007, and another year went by before a girlfriend of mine noticed the signs, and gave me the number of a therapist, who I went on to work with for two years. During that two year span, I finally realized that I couldn't go through treatment alone. One day- it got so hard to do the therapy alone that I broke down to my mom and confessed everything to her. Then came her anger..shame..pain..feeling like she failed me as a mother..and she didn't know how to deal with the fact that my entire world had come crashing down on me. Now....I'm leaving out an important detail here- there was also an abusive relationship in my life at the time- and my boyfriend was no help to me. He actually made it worse. I'm sorry if all of this sounds very difficult to hear, but my point is....without my mother, I couldn't have done any of the recovery, or treatment at all.
In the beginning after I told my mother- we waited a month to tell my father. She ended up telling him what was going on and when my father sat me down and asked me about it, I just about broke down in tears. It was incredibly hard for both of them- but NEVER ONCE did they tell me they didn't love me....or that they wouldn't be there for me. It's because of my parents, that I've come as far as I have. Yes- my therapists (I've worked with two) and doctors have been a tremendous part of my recovery and I'm still in the process of helping myself get better. The binge/purge cycle is so dangerous- and I was locked into that. Breaking the cycle takes more willpower than anyone could imagine, but it can be done. The best part of recovering has been the reading that I've done to educate myself about eating disorders- not just bulimia, but anorexia and several others. It's actually the reason why I joined this forum.
The best piece of advice that I can give you as a daughter is to keep being there for your daughter. As her mother- YOU are her greatest asset, and my mother will always be mine. I've put her through alot..but she's my best friend and I promise you that one day, your daughter will look at you and tell you that she couldn't have done this without you. No matter what she says. No matter what she does. She loves you, and she will get better. Recovery takes time and it's different for everyone. If you would like to, please feel free to be in touch- I'm more than willing to help- even just to email back and forth.
From a daughter to a mother- Best of luck. Remember, she loves you.
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