I've been doing pretty well. Keeping food down, which hasn't been done in over 3 years. However I know, or at least feel so heavy, and I feel like I've gained. It's torturing me. I call her my monster. I'm sure a lot of people do. She hangs around, scratching at my surface. Telling me I'll be nothing without her. She's been my best friend for years, and fooled me by listening to my hurt. She tells me everyone will hate me without her. That she is what everyone liked in the first place. She made me thin, and lovely. While at the same time, she wore dangerous disguises to fool my heart. She trips me when I walk, she throws my heart into fluttering speeds, she destroys my body from the inside out, and yet she knows that when she says all these things, I am listening. Pondering the reality in the make believe. Today she is yelling at me, she knows I know the easy way out. She snarls at me, as I turn towards health. She screams, "we were supposed to be in this together, till death, stick to the plan." She's jealous of my desire for health, and she is loud, oh so very loud today. UHHHH I'm so sad.
You should be soo proud of yourself for keeping food down for over 3 years! Don't let your monster get you down. Eating disorders have their ways of trying to bring people down. Those distortions or bad thoughts are lies. The more you don't listen to them, the stronger you will get. I know it is hard, but you are not alone. You don't need her anymore, and people will love you for who you are. Like you said, she can kill you. Just know that I am here for you and things do get soo much better without "the monster."
"I once had a grip on everything. It feels better to let go."